outstandingbalance | IC Contact Post

[ A (relatively) quiet booth isn't his usual, but it's just what he needs after the day he's had. He guides himself to his seat and presses up as close to the wall as he can. Maybe it's his senses or his instincts as a minotaur, but it gives him some degree of comfort as he presses his hand to the cold stone. Connor had died in a park. No walls there. No safety.

Matt sighs and runs a hand through his hair. He hasn't even scouted out the bar yet. On a good day he could tell how many people were in it, how many of them were drunk, and how many of them were faking. Tonight, all he knows is people aren't paying him much attention, which means they either get monsters frequently, or Natasha's bribed the bartender. Normally, Matt would be able to tell which.

He's a mess. But Natasha's an Avenger, she wouldn't take him anywhere dangerous, would she? ]

You're getting sloppy, Murdock. [ He mutters to himself, easily picturing Foggy's reprimanding tone. He can't help it. Every time his mind wanders, he's back home, thinking of how Connor isn't there anymore. That was his fault. ]

[Natasha doesn't leave him on his own long. That would defeat the purpose of inviting him out in the first place. She has the feeling she knows the kind of person he is. He's going to keep beating himself up.

Seemed to her there were more than enough people volunteering to do that on the network.

The glass with his whiskey clicks on the table in front of him, ice tinking softly. He might smell that Natasha has the same whiskey, no ice.]

There. I almost just brought the bottle, but why rush things.

Probably for the best. Start us off slow.

[ Which is awfully responsible of him to say, but alcohol and his enhanced senses don't make the best combo. He's in no hurry to get wasted.

Maybe.

Buzzed would be okay, though. ]

Thanks, by the way.

[ He reaches forward for his glass, dragging his fingers over the table until they make purchase on the glass. The smell alone tells him what she got them, but once upon a time he'd have been able to tell the year and the make before it even touched his lips. He doesn't miss that. ]

Would I be wrong figuring you aren't in a hurry to go home? [Call it an educated guess.]

You don't have to thank me. It's just a whiskey.

[Natasha takes a sip of her own before setting it down.]

How are you holding up?

What gave me away?

[ Matt smiles, hollow. His poker face is shit. At least the whiskey gives him something to do with his hands. He takes a sip, a long one, before setting it down and answering her question. ]

Not so good. [ Obviously. ] I killed my intern. That's. [ He laughs, the sound broken by a shaking breath. His eyes start to go damp. Good thing he's wearing his glasses. ] That's gotta be a breach of labor laws somewhere.

[His comment wins a short, dry laugh.] I'm sure. Somewhere, at least. I'm not sure they're unionized yet here.

[She watches his face, his hands, how he moves. He's not lying about not doing so good. She feels sorry for him—that he was the one who had to do it.]

Can I ask you something? You can say no, by the way. I won't press. We can talk about something else if you say so—I just wonder...

Paid internships were a lot less cutthroat in my day.

[ Ah, banter. At least it keeps his voice from shaking too bad. He's definitely open to talking about anything else, but he's not exactly good at it. Bleeding wounds? He can handle it. Emotional stuff? Not so much. But answering questions is probably something he can do. It'll keep his mind off the empty room in his apartment, or the memory of snapping his friend's neck. ]

What is it? [ He has his suspicions, though his judgement is severely clouded right now. He could he wrong. ] If it's a blind thing, I really don't mind. Ask away.

Not the blind thing, though I am curious about that. I knew you were pretty adventurous for a guy who can't see, but vigilantism is a little beyond even that.

[She rests her arms on the table, crossed in front of her and leans closer, dropping her voice slightly. If his hearing were normal, the words would only just reach him.]

I was going to ask if it was Connor's idea.

Never said I was a vigilante.

[ Though he goes pretty damn still at the implication. Again, his poker face is just terrible. Play it casual, Matt. Another sip of his whiskey and he's back to being relaxed. Mostly. Okay not really, but he's got a lot on his mind. Enough to miss the fact that she lowered her voice at all.

As for her question, he nods. ]

Yes, it was. He asked me. [ He almost leaves it there, but he seems to change his mind just as quick. ] But he's. He's normal, you know? There are no aliens or superheroes or costumed vigilantes in his world.

[ Normal. Sure, he was embroiled in a murder case and an accessory to some pretty serious felonies, but that's one secret Matt won't ever spill. ]

I gave him the idea when I-- when we first met. It was my fault he even considered it.

[She suspected as much. She watched his post, and knew she wasn't the first to ask—she had figured she knew the answer. Looks like she was right.]

That might be giving yourself a little too much credit, you know. It's not like it takes that much imagination to figure out killing someone to stop a rampage. Even if it's yourself.

[She smiles ruefully.] Maybe especially yourself, if you know you'll be back. He made a choice on his own.

Some people would say you're a good friend. [Not many, obviously, but some people.] And some people would think it was a little unfair to put that on you, when you're clearly not comfortable with killing, whether or not you're a vigilante.

[Whether or not he used that word, she was comfortable with it.]

[ Matt won't hear it, unfortunately. It's why he avoided saying as much publicly. He doesn't think Connor's to blame. Funny how good he is at shouldering that for other people. ]

I threatened him, when we first met. [ He says, by way of explanation. ] I didn't know who he was, or that we'd... you know, actually become friends.

[ He probably shouldn't be telling anyone this. The hesitation in his voice probably says as much. ]

He'd killed a lot of people. Gone blind with hunger and woken up just surrounded by all these bodies. I thought he was dangerous so I-I just wanted to scare him, but I told him if it happened again...

[ He trails off, the rest should be obvious enough. Now seems like a great time to finish his drink, actually. He takes a long chug and shakes his head at the burn. Foggy would be proud. ]

It's funny. [ It's not, but he chuckles, humorlessly. ] He actually approached me one time he saw me making threats on the network, that's when I explained everything. [ Everything she's assuming is probably true. He's not even gonna pretend at this point, lying would be too exhausting. ] He was right. This is what happens when you make threats, even if you don't plan on following them through. They catch up to you.

Very funny. [Her tone says that it's not. She reaches across the table, dragging his empty glass toward herself and pushing her mostly full one in front of him.

She knows he's not done.]

He must be something if he had you solved before I did. [Oh, she's had suspicions for a while now, but she likes confirmation. For the purposes of this conversation, she'll call his post confirmation and call this the truth.]

And you take a lot on yourself. [She licks her lips.] So tell me this. If you're not a vigilante, what would you call yourself?

That, or neither of us can shut up once we start crying.

[ He does kinda laugh for that one. Self-deprecating humor is so his specialty. He also accepts her drink, taking another long sip before setting it back down. Natasha is an Avenger, and likely the one with the most secrets out of all of them. He doubts he could keep it quiet for much longer, and it's not like she has anyone to tell. ]

They called me a couple of things, back home. The Man In The Mask, or the Devil of Hell's Kitchen, that kind of thing. Lately it's Daredevil. I kinda like that one. [ He shrugs. It's a big deal to him, but the names aren't why he does it. ] But vigilante probably sums it up best.

Oh yeah, you definitely seem like a crybaby. [Her voice is wry as she speaks, less because she can't see him crying and more because she doesn't want him to feel judged, and because she is not a crier.]

Daredevil, huh? I think I like your alias better than mine.

[There's a touch of warmth in her voice as she adds:] It suits you though. Not afraid of anything. Not afraid to take all the blame on yourself, either.

[ Matt meanwhile, is definitely a crier. He is such a crier. It's embarrassing. And probably why he gets along so well with Connor. Her praise brings an honest smile to his face for once. For a guy with such serious guilt issues, he has a bit of an ego on him. ]

It's not bad, right? [ He hasn't mentioned the horns, but hey at least now he can't help it if he has horns. (But he totally had tiny horns and they were adorable.) This time at least his laugh is a little more honest. It feels kinda good to get it off his chest, but it feels even better to joke about it. He'd gotten there with Foggy after a while. ] Black Widow's not too shabby either. Much more intimidating.

[ In a sexy way. ]

Yeah, Foggy tells me I'm good at that. [ He shrugs. ] I like to blame Catholicism.

Edited (I needed to add a come on, of course.) 2015-12-30 03:36 (UTC)

[Not a name you get for having a policy against killing though. That smile is what she was hoping for, though, even if she's not smiling herself. It's not like he can tell, right?]

You take that pretty seriously, don't you? The Catholic thing. You've mentioned it before. [She taps the table lightly, unconsciously.] A good Catholic boy?

[There's a laugh in her voice when she adds, clearly flirting.]

Do you talk all sins so seriously, or just the one?

Can't say my vigilantism goes along too well with God's teachings, but... Yeah. It's something like that.

[ It's very much something like that, he sees a priest and everything. But Matt's drinking and needs to take his mind off his problems so he's quick to elaborate, even if the topic kills the joy in his smile. ]

Killing is the big one, it... it used to be what made me different from most criminals. Men like Wilson Fisk.

[ Whether she's heard of him or not, Matt wouldn't be surprised. The Avengers don't really bust crime lords. ]

Wilson Fisk, huh? [Her tapping pauses briefly.] Real estate, right?

[She does know the name. She follows the news in general, but she wouldn't have paid that much attention to something on the level of predatory real estate and drug distribution under normal circumstances. But in New York... Natasha follows what happens in the areas worst affected by the attack.

If there's an element of masochism in that, it's still well justified.

There are plenty of people who'd bring it up to attack them, who'd ask if it was worth it. As easy as it would be to be glib and say she could have left the portal open, that route wasn't going to win a PR war.]

I might have heard a little about that.

Real estate. Extortion. Drug trafficking. Murder. That sort of thing.

[ Matt tightens his grip on his glass thinking back on it. Men like Wilson Fisk ruined so many lives... If there was anyone Matt would have wanted to kill before Ryslig, it was him.

But he didn't. He'd stopped himself. Would he do the same now? ]

He was a crime lord, a vicious one. If you crossed him, he wouldn't just kill you; he'd kill your family and friends and made sure you knew it. Send you pictures and recordings of their death before he came to collect. He used to control Hell's Kitchen for a while. And he told himself what he did was for "the greater good."

Yeah, I can see why the two of you didn't get along. You know, I'd say it would take a little more thank killing to turn you into someone like that.

[From her tone, it's clear she's not trying to be persuasive. It's not her goal here to make Matt pro-killing. If she's trying to change his mind, it's still only insofar as trying to get him to let go of at least some of his guilt.

She'd rather not see him spend his entire time here beating himself up because at the end of the day, not killing again is going to bee too much to ask.]

You're a lawyer on top of being a catholic, right? Motive counts for something.

I know that. I know... He's an extreme. But I've gone to extremes myself. I'd gotten close, and it always-- kept me grounded, you know. I'd tell myself I wasn't a killer, but now...

[ He's not about to start running a crime ring. ~~Not in this universe, anyway~~ but. ]

No one should be above the law. What I did already went against that. What happens here goes against that. [ He sighs, releasing the glass before he starts to crack it. He could feel the tension in his fingers. ] Being a lawyer almost makes it harder. I can't not help people, but I know exactly how and why what I'm doing is wrong.

[ You can see how Matt is a literal embodiment of guilt. ]

[Natasha doesn't have an immediate answer for that. His experience and his frame of reference are too different from her own, and she doesn't want to make an argument here.

It's not like she thinks she'd be in the right. Not morally, anyway. She comes from a world where there always are and always have been people above the law—people who acted in the names of governments or ideals, people who got their hands dirty so that other people could believe they lived in a simpler world than they really did.

But she wants to be honest with him, in her way. After a few beats, she finally responds.]

I respect your clarity.

[That's a particularly fine hair to split, isn't it?]

It doesn't sound like a very easy road you picked. I'm not sure I could do what I do if I thought that way—or what you do.

[Absolutely not what she does. What she does leaves a lot of bodies.]

Beating yourself up like this, though—there's not always a right answer, Matt. All the guilt in the world never brought back the dead. It just makes it harder to sleep at night.

Guilt isn't always a bad thing.

[ What a good Catholic you are, Matt. ]

This thing with Connor. I know it was the right thing to do. I know it prevented more people from getting hurt, I just... don't know where to draw the line anymore. If I can kill a friend to save people-- if eating one human stops a monster from rampaging and killing several more... I've felt these things myself. I know it's true, but when does it stop?

[ That's what the fear comes down to for Matt. That's what's eating him from the inside, bringing him back to that night, killing his friend.

He'd just done it and he doesn't regret it and that scares him more than anything else. His voice wavers, breaths short. ]

I'm changing. More than the horns or the tail or the hooves, I'm worried about... when people stop feeling like people. When murder becomes okay. That's not who I am, but I can see it coming. I'll get so used to it, I'll just not--not care anymore.

Somehow, I don't see that in your future.

[She says it softly, with real sympathy. She's not always comfortable with sympathy.]

Not any time soon, at least. And we're not going to be here forever.

[Reaching across the table then, she lays her fingers lightly on the back of his wrist. The claws don't touch his skin.]

A lot of people were like that before they came here. Being inhumane because it's expedient isn't unique to Ryslig. Maybe it's harder to avoid here, but it's not new.

[ Matt smiles sadly, hearing enough honesty in her voice to know it's somewhat of a rare gesture. He'll never stop worrying, but it's nice of her to say so. ]

Thanks.

[ He hates this place; he's hating it even more every day. However people leave or get home, he hopes it happens to him before pragmatism wears down his resolve. He's got a lot of it, but this place has already made him break his biggest rule. It might not take as long as Nat thinks. ]

Just means I have to try harder. Even if... well, some people don't understand.

[ It's a thankless job, that's for sure. I mean it's not even a job at all and Matt still suffers for it. He turns his palm over, offering her his hand. Her touch is soothing. Matt's a tactile guy. ]

I guess it comes down to how long we can keep being human. Even when we're not.

[ Matt doesn't ever want to stop. Then again, he's pretty used to faking things for most of his life. ]

Edited 2015-12-31 00:59 (UTC)

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, 10000SPIDERS. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 018.07.154.55 * 10000SPIDERS has joined 008.01.989.15 <10000SPIDERS>** This is a placeholder.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject